This and that...

So it's been a while since I've written anything and I hate that! I was really wanting to use this for myself really...to just kind of wash out some of the things in my head. Sometimes, for me anyhow, I am able to see things from a different perspective once it's right out in front of me-and other times I just need a simple release. This is kind of the case today.
If you know anything about me at all, you know that my life has not been a simple one. Yes, it's always worse somewhere else, I know that-and I don't want any sympathy from saying that-it's just I feel I deserve a break, a bone...something POSITIVE to happen in my life. It seems like my life started to become a sequence of bad events that started the ball rolling-and it hasn't come to a stop yet. Now, I know-"what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger"...true enough, but damn I should look like a MMA fighter inside at this point.
I have learned a lot over the years, especially the last few, so I have no regrets, I am just ready to start a new life, with better choices.
I am a very passionate person. I love hard, I hate hard, I work hard and play hard. If I know you-I either like you or don't give a shit about you-there's no in between with me. You are in one of the two categories.
What I've found over the years, [[which I'm sure a lot of you can relate to]] is letting people "in" and trusting them, only to be let down or completely shit on for that matter.
See-I think most people begin at 0% trust when they meet someone and build that up to 100% as they get to know them better and what not. Being the person that I am-I do the opposite...and I'm not sure why...I guess I just want to see the GOOD in people so I start at 100% and as I get to know you, it may go down...or hit rock bottom at zero. The thing is this--I know better.
I have learned to put that guard up-trust no one. To me, that is so sad-because I am a trustworthy person and people who know me can attest to that-but I think it sucks that I have to be on guard constantly with people-it makes me NOT want to get close to anyone-which of course is a very lonely existence.
So why is it that I allow myself to let people in at all? Why to I still bang my head up against that wall when I know the result? Why do I think it's ever going to change on it's on? I have to make some moves--some decisions in my life.
I feel like I'm at this crossroads of sorts in my life right now, trying to decide which way to go...but the whole time feeling really impatient. I feel like I've been really patient, and I'm ready for some good things to start happening in my life. I just cannot keep taking these blows!!
I am a STRONG woman...and I know that...but you can only grit your teeth and smile for so long before you either loose your shit completely and go mad or break down in some type of clinical depression. This is something I don't want to happen to me...and something that I am well aware of.
When I was 18 years old, I was clinically diagnosed as a Manic-Depressive...which simply means that once I reach a certain point in/with my depression, I can't find the "light" or "the way out" so I become hopeless and even suicidal. Now, that's something that I dealt with way back then, and hasn't resurfaced in the last ten years-even though my life has been MUCH more difficult than I ever could imagine at the age of 18..I have learned to SWIM...to keep my head above water..and keep pushing through it...to get to the other side...the other side never seems to have that Sun that I'm after though...it's just more of a maze full of cloud and shadow.
I have always been really afraid of getting to that point again in my life where I really wanted to die. It's something I can honestly say that has crossed my mind a few times over the years..but I know I can't leave my son-so it's not an option. I wouldn't miss one day with him if I could control that-so, suicide--to me, just can't happen.
Even so-the thoughts come over me a lot more than I would like to admit. I really have to get back to what makes me happy again. I have forgotten what made me laugh, what I enjoyed seeing, doing..I forgot what was such an interest to me...I forgot...me.
I left her behind about 8 years ago..and tucked her away. I went into this shell of an existence ...I never left the house...wasn't allowed to work...lost all my friends...phone and car taken away from me...slowly...total control...and in that time...I seriously lost who I was. I remember bits and pieces of my life before this point..but my life became such a void for so long..that nothing made me happy, although I didn't cry often, I NEVER laughed.
I feel like I am just at the dawn of my life as an adult and I want to make some decisions in my life that don't benefit others, damn it...but benefit me instead! I have ALWAYS put others before myself-I was just raised that way..but in the process, I didn't pay attention to my own needs as a growing adult...and neglected my own life for so long...that I am just now trying to get back to where I left off.
There are days when I look around--and think...is all the pain worth it? Will it pay off for me one day?
Having chronic pain doesn't help anything either. I CONSTANTLY hurt-and it gets worse depending on the level of physicality that I'm using at any given time...I push myself too hard sometimes and end up paying for it either hours later, the next day-but mainly it's AS I'm moving....it just makes me feel like giving up some days cause I know how much worse it's going to get--and really...what kind of a life is that? I know things could be worse-but I HATE that I am always hurting....
I think all in all...I am really trying to get back to the core of who I am. I don't know what direction to take until I can really process what's going to make me happy...take the life lessons that I've learned and from that try to build a road map...So there's my "mind flow"/RAMBLE for right now. It's been a long time since I've written anything at all..and I have a lot more on my mind that needs to be let off-so stay tuned..

Horizon....

So, my life is about to grow and produce happiness for the first time in a really long time. I cannot express enough what a dark place I was in and for how long. My life had no consistency really-nothing to make me press forward.

I wish I could fill these posts with happiness and hope-and they're starting to resemble something of the liking, and I think pretty soon that's all that they'll be about.

After all, after the darkness comes the light..that's what I'm living for anyhow-the hope of a new day and a new horizon. I think that I have been shut off from a lot of things and held back in a lot of ways-which I know--only I can hold myself back..but I have allowed that behavior to carry on-and I'm no longer going to let that happen.

I can literally feel myself growing inside. I can feel an anxiousness which is different from the anxiety which I used to feel.

Words are flowing freely-thoughts are not jumbled anymore..things seem very clear as far as direction in my life..

I wonder though, if this feeling is temporary..if when I get what it is I strive for if I will be satisfied, and if so-for how long?

How long before that's not satisfactory..dull..lifeless? Guess that's all part of living and learning-growing and filtering...

Kaleb's Convo last night..

Last night, Kaleb came up to me balling saying "Mom, I had a bad thought"...just crying his little eyes out. So I asked him what was wrong, what it was that he was thinking that was making him cry like that. He told me he had thought about dying and it made him sad. He was afraid that because he had thought about dying that he would die, as a result!!!!

Wow-how hard it was not to start crying right there with him. So, I sat him on my lap and told him that we would all die one day, but no time soon. That we were too young to die and that we had a lot of living left to do.

He asked me if doing certain things, saying certain things, or thinking certain things would make you die. He even asked me if wearing certain things would make you die..He told me he remembered me screaming when grandpa died and me pumping grandpa's chest. (I didn't think he saw that-) Tears started to fall immediately.

How do you explain death to a 5 year old? I told him no, that those kinds of things would not make you die. That some people are sick, that grandpa had a bad heart, but that we would be old when we died..that he would grow up, and have children-then grandchildren of his own.

I thought I had been doing some pretty good evaluating of my self, my life...until he came up to me crying saying this to me. A 5 year old should never be troubled with something like that.
It made all the petty things I've been pondering on fall away-put me in check instantly.

I have a lot of living to do. I have lost a lot of time.

So, here is an update on where I am in my life right now...and what all I have going on in my heart and in my head....

I feel extremely anxious right now..as if my life is headed toward a climax. Like the break that I've been waiting for is right around the corner. I've felt this for a few weeks now which is exciting.

Taking this summer off from school and everything else was really the break that I think my soul needed to regroup, cocoon itself, and start healing.

I have had no time really to stop and really evaluate everything that's happened in the last year or so..and slowing down to do so has brought light to things I didn't want to see, but also given me leverage to press forward.

It's all up to me now and I cannot express how scared I am.

To blog or not to blog...that is the question...

So, I just re-read the blog that I started earlier in the year, and really how completely open I have been on here with my thoughts. At times, I seem very vulnerable, hurt, and unsure-the next moment I seem totally aware and strong. I never meant for this blog to seem as dark and depressing as it has come off to me. I only meant to open up the door that has been sealed shut over the past few years. One thing though, that I've realized about myself through this whole "writing process" is that I only seem to write down my thoughts as I am unhappy, scared, or mad. I guess people don't have a lot to say when they are happy-maybe it's just been so long since I've been happy that only the bad things have risen to the surface...

I guess, more or less-I have been evolving, changing and peeling off layers of a shell that took years to develop and strengthen--not by choice, but by survival and protection.

Today, almost 6 months after I decided to start this blog-I am in a much more knowledgeable position in my life. That is, I am more aware of how the things that have happened as of late were meant to challenge me and how the have effected me.

I guess when I started this, I could have made it a once a day-type of blog to let off some steam, or sharing HAPPY thoughts about things that happened that day...but honestly, I haven't had a day like that in quite a long time.

Sometimes, I look back and see how much I have gone through and how beat down I actually was, and I am very proud to have not completely lost my shit in the process.

A friend of mine, sent me the best comment a few months ago...something along the lines of-"..if you take just one thing that is going on in Haley's life right now it would be difficult to handle and to go through--but she has several things thrown at her all at once right now and I don't know anyone else that is strong enough to handle it all. That if you don't know Haley, it would be a privilege in your life to try to get to know her.."

That made me feel so good. That someone did see everything that was thrown at me all at once and to know that someone had faith in me being able to see through it all, take the burdens and grow from it all, very comforting.

Today, I am happier. I do have hope, and I do see good things in my future. I was able to accomplish a lot this last year..with growing and strengthening being a major part of that.

It's not that I am that negative of a person, I really am not. I am a realist, and I can only base decisions on what's right in front of me.

So, as I continue to spill my thoughts onto this digital diary of mine-whomsoever's path this may cross-just let me say that it is as vulnerable, honest and open as I can possibly be.

I won't hold back, no matter how I feel-happy, sad-angry, whatever....just know that it's me--from the bottom of my heart and mind.

Too many people these days are delusional and put on a mask for others. I, personally--don't own any. Those that know me, know that I am real and that as complex as things are that they can count on getting the raw truth from me.

What you see, is what I am. Take it or leave it-

Lock Box

Inside my lock box are things I hold dear
things you cannot comprehend
that hold me tight when I'm consumed with fear

Hard to explain-you see, cause you cannot see them
I cannot tell you what they are
You don't understand how they can mend

My heart when it is broken, wipe my tears when they fall
of all the things I've lost in life,
This would hurt the worst of all

If I were to wake up one day
and find the contents gone,
I don't know how I could ever play

It off like nothing was wrong
I swear I feel its all I have
Only the contents inside come along

Wherever I go, whatever I do-I know I will always have
that place in my heart where the lock box resides
If I were to lose it, you couldn't even use "sad"

To describe my heart- consumed with pain
under a sheet of broken memories
Tears fall like rain

The darkness would engulf me
the sun would be no more
And I'd crawl back in my hole where no one could see

What was once hope in my eyes
that sparkled and glistened and smiled at the thought
of being loved unconditionally without all the ties

That hold me back now and stop me from finding my own
happiness that I know is out there for me
If only they could tell just how much my heart has grown

Then they would know the pain I would feel
if I were to lose it all
I dare you to try-see if you can steal

What I hold dear to my heart
that which you cannot touch-I cannot lose this you see,
My entire world would fall apart

The Perch

My safe, warm cocoon is no more
I sit alone as they slam the door

I hear the crash and start to cry
It echos in my mind and I can no longer standby

I feel myself falling and it feels like rebirth
No longer will I let the crows sit on their perch

They've watched me now for far too long
Skreeching their words and calling it song

And I've listened to them, hung on every word
They thought I was listening, thought that I heard

All their stories of loving me, knowing what's best for me
In reality they plotted-but I believed them & couldn't see

The truth of who they are and what motives they had
I know now, the truth, and really just how sad

They are in their lives and want to bring me along
Sitting on their perch, always singing their song.

Stuff and Things...that have been on my mind as of late...

Where to start?

I guess I'll just start off with what's been going on in my head lately..
It seems as of late--more and more frequently, people are showing me their true colors. In the past 2 weeks or so, I have found things out about people that I really THOUGHT I knew. Things that you can't take back or try to forget. Things that resonate in your mind and replay everyday. When you find something out about someone that changes your perspective of them and is not anything like you thought they were, how do you keep going as if nothing has happened? How do you deal with that person everyday and look them in the eyes and see nothing?

It's really made me take a step back and look at my own life. Having people around me that aren't who I thought they were has defiantly made me do some personal inventory on my own feelings, morals, and values.

I have done so much thinking lately about myself and how I got to this point. How much pain I have gone through in the last few years and who I am today because of it.

The things that I've seen in the past 2 years, the feelings I've been forced to feel instead of chosen to feel--these things have broken me down. I have turned inside out almost--and now, when I wake up--it takes me hours to really get a grip on my reality.

These things have changed me. Some for the better, some for worse. I've learned to protect myself with walls, chains, locks--I've learned to not let anyone in anymore. I've learned to really check myself with what I allow to leave my mouth. Some things I keep to myself-but those that knew me 10 years ago can't recognise me now.

They want to know what happened to that outspoken bitch that just didn't give a fuck. She spoke her mind-and said what she felt.

Yeah, she's still there, and starting to come back out. I'm SO SICK of being censored by people around me. I'm SO SICK of not being able to say this or that cause it's gonna piss someone off. I'm SO SICK of having to get it dished out to me but not be able to say how I feel back to them...for what? Am I supposed to just let it build up? I'm SO SICK of people thinking that cause I'm non-confrontational that they can say whatever they want to me and me just take it. Physical pain only hurts for so long. Bruises heal-cuts heal..I can take an ass beating, and if that's what it has to come to in order for me to defend myself and speak my mind--then so be it.

I am SO SICK of people who use their size to intimidate people. They use the line "I'm just a bitch" to defend everything they say and do. Well, ya know what? That's not good enough for me. Just cause you're a bitch doesn't give you the right to say whatever the hell you want to say and then beef up like a GD linebacker on me. So what? You're a bitch...so am I.

I am just a SMART bitch, that knows WHEN to load up the ammo, and knows how to use it. I don't just flap off at the mouth-that makes you look SO STUPID.

So many times, the IGNORANCE is shown when they act like this. I'm supposed to be quiet and keep the peace..right? At what cost? At what point do I stop being who I was-who I am? And for what? To look like a fuckin beat child as I walk back to my room biting my tongue--no!

I am just so sick of stupid shit. I am so sick of ignorant people. I am so sick of people who think they know what's best for ME. I am so sick of people who think their way is the only way. I am so sick of people who if they really took a look at their own life would see that maybe they shouldn't be throwing stones. I am so sick of the fact that they can't see what they are. That are totally delusional, and if they took the time to look in the mirror they'd see that they are no better than I am. They'd see that MAYBE all their hating of me is jealousy. MAYBE they wish they were me. I don't know why anyone would want to be me.

I have a very sad life right now and have for a long time...all that however is about to change.

See, this self-evaluation I've been doing lately has been so refreshing. It's not something that will happen over night. Hell, I didn't get to this place over night--but I do know one thing...

I'm gonna make ME happy. I have put others before myself to the extent that I have lost who I am. I have lost my sense of what makes me happy. I have lost where I'm going, but my God, to I know where I've been.

That's just it-I've made many a mistake in my time on this earth...but none that I have repeated--so don't judge me. If you think you know why I am where I am in my life right now, you probably have no idea. I can't even count on one hand people that are close enough to me to know where I am in my life right now. No one takes the time to get to know me. My heart is so big and that's been my problem all along. I let people in, and let them get close and end up paying for it in the end. I leave myself too vulnerable, and get hurt.

I have closed myself off-and begun my rebirth process. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I have lost myself along the way.

I have cried so many tears in the last few years--watching mom die in ICU, finding Daddy, waking up alone, realizing who people close to me really are, realizing that I'm nothing to them, realizing that they put themselves 1st and I didn't--therefore, I am the loser.

These days, have strengthened me. They have made me solid as a rock. They have shaped me, molded me...and with all this loss everywhere around me, for the 1st time in my life, I feel like it wasn't all for nothing. I've realized how to utilize this pain. I've realized how to filter the bullshit...chose my battles..and let the rest fall to the wayside.

My life is an illusion. My life has spiraled out of control since Daddy died and he left. My life slipped through my fingers in a matter of hours. I have accomplished a lot-but no one can see that. I know how much I've grown, but it's not yet time for that to all shine...I will have my day and it will be soon.

I will get this life back on track...and people will see that it wasn't all for nothing. People will see that this reserved, quiet chick that doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot has had things going on all along. I'm setting myself up, and it will all be for me this time. For me and for my son. He is my world and I want to give him all I can as a mother. It's going to be just on me. No man to help me, no man to carry me through, no man to hold me up when I fall. Just me--and that's where I must start.

I want to know in my own heart that I'm doing it-that I am HAPPY. Happiness has been something so far out of reach since Daddy died and everyone started to show their true colors...people latched on to me for all the wrong reasons. People came around me for all the wrong reasons--for reasons of their own, not for me. People looked out for their selves, didn't have my best interest at heart. People failed me, hurt me, and let me down. People that I thought I knew-I'd never known at all. I cannot express the level of pain that comes from that. I cannot express how alone that makes you feel...thus, makes you turn inward and evaluate your own life. Evaluate who you are, what you stand for, what you want in life, and what you're getting done in life.

I'm just beginning this journey of rebirth-but, I must tell you...I don't feel good about who it may hurt in the process--if it does, it does. I have been the one getting hurt this whole time and no one has stopped to hold my hand or wipe my tears...they just keep going with their noses in the air and don't even look back to see if I'm still there.

I'm not like them, that's not who I am..but, WHO I AM....everyone is about to know. I'm not holding back anymore. I'm not going to shield my opinions. It's MY TIME, and it's time for me to get this done. I won't come in last anymore, I will-prevail...and I will be HAPPY. Me and my son.

Those that care to know me, start asking questions...
Those that care to know me, show me the real you-no bullshit.

Will I let you in? It's hard to say. I believe from here on out I am going to be much more selective about who I let in and how close I let people get to me.

I'm sick of the ulterior motives...is anyone, AT ALL real anymore?

I know I am.

Do you know me? Do you care?

Randomness from a jumbled mind..

So I’m driving down the road-coming home from school and each day I do this it’s almost like doom and gloom. You see the faces of people in cars, and walking into stores and they all have this look of worry and anxiousness. This world is different from the one I remember. Is it all in my head, and what I make of it? Are these people looking this way to me because it’s the way I feel-and not really how THEY feel?

Stone Temple Pilots blares on the radio-acoustic, and that’s the world I remember. I try to go back to that time-where I was happy, where life seemed like something that could be conquered and that I’d be on top of things-always.

Lately-I feel like I’ve lost who I am. I’m not who I once was-which has some good aspects to it. I’ve learned, and grown, and know better now-ya know..but in other ways..I’m miles from myself. I feel like I’ve lost all control over my life. It’s so hard for me to keep going. It seems like this world is all about keeping up with the Jones’s. It didn’t used to be that way. You used to be able to go out and get a job if you were willing to work-anyone could. You can’t do that now.

It’s all about competition and who’s got what. You aren’t this if you don’t have that-that’s bullshit! It shouldn’t be that way. It’s human nature to want the best-but some realize that the best is out of reach no matter how hard they try. What are you gaining when you do achieve “the best”?
Notariety amongst your peers? So the fuck what? Who cares?

I really don’t give a shit what people think of me, cause the majority of them don’t know a thing about me. They’re the ones shooting for the top-but for what reason? I just want to be happy, and right now it feels like that is so far off.

I’m not very religious-in the fact that I don’t go to church regularly or any of that—but I do pray-many times throughout the day, and I do have my own beliefs. I’m a Gnostic Christian-and it works for me. I don’t push my beliefs on others and Gnostics will tell you-take what you want/need from what they teach and leave the rest behind. You don’t have to believe every word or agree with everything-take what applies to your life and leave the rest behind.

So now, things are much different. No one seems happy. No one seems like they have any hope left. Everyone I see in passing-no smiles-no happiness. That’s why I’m wondering if it’s all in my head. If I’m seeing these things through this clouded vision I have based on the way I’m feeling.

I don’t have an outlet. I don’t talk to anyone about how I feel. It just stays inside of me and I have this constant knot in my stomach that never goes away. I’m defensive by nature-and have learned when to bite my tongue.

I want my life back. I want to have drive and feel like I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. I just don’t know the next step. I don’t know how to get there. My mind is over flowing with thoughts and I can’t seem to think clearly. My mind goes from one stress to another. Weed-eating in my life feels necessary, but unable to reach right now. My hands are tied in so many ways-and I can’t break free on my own. Not now.

What would make me happy? Would having an outlet-such as this really clear some things out of my mind so I’ll be able to handle the other things?

Till next time…

Quick update

Well, the time has come. Kaleb and Scott and I are going to be staying with Scott's parents, and his daughter Abbi (15yrs old)-in a 2 bdrm house! One bath by the way!! This is going to be insane, and hopefully temporary. Disability can't come soon enough! This was a last resort. I've tried finding help from so many places-with nothing turning up. My sister Kelly was supposed to have moved in with me in the home I was renting (in my name) when Dad died. She backed out on me 2 weeks before Christmas! Here I am, with my son and no where to live! I can't work because of the claim, and I trusted my sister to do what she said she would do. I have been let down so many times in my life, but this one was a major hit. Know what's even more impressive? Kelly won't talk to me. She ignores me when she sees me, and our son's go to the same school. She won't return any messages I've sent to her and has switched up her friends list on myspace to where all of her boyfriend's family are above me on her Top Friends. Maybe this shouldn't matter to me, but it's the little things I guess that piss me off. That's something she knew I'd see and she knew it would be a slap in the face-so whatever! I got the point, and I'm over it. She's the one who shit on me, not me on her-and I should be the one not accepting messages and ignoring her. I forgive way to easily. Forget-that's a different story, but I forgive too easily and it always bites me in the ass.
I don't have Internet access at Scott's parent's house-but will be getting it added onto the cable package soon, so for now, I'll be blogging on Word 2007, saving to a flash drive and uploading while at school. That is if I can find time with the move and all to get some of these thoughts that are rotting my brain out.
Blah.
So sick of shit and being shitted on. I pray that this will open up new doors for me. I feel like I can't breathe all of the time. I mean, all of the time! My anxiety is through the roof and I am completely overwhelmed.
Till next time--pray for us.
H

Ok, so it's down...

I guess me expressing myself has once again been shown to not be the answer. Drama is NOT what it is I'm looking for. I am however, looking for inner peace and to get other's perspectives. Maybe I'm just not as advanced as some with their emotions. I'm ok with saying that. It's been a long time since I took any time to look within myself and really get a good idea of who I am. There's been many things that have kept me from finding out-but really, it's just me being afraid of who or what I may find there.

I feel like sometimes it's easier to not deal with it at all and keep going, but then it ends up numbing to the point where I shut down and am not able to express any feeling at all. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone other than myself, but it is what it is.

It's kind of a survival instinct like those who've had something tragic happen in their lives....they file it away in the "unmentionables" section of their hearts and minds..there it can stay and not be thought about or dealt with...and it comes out at the oddest times, and in the oddest ways.

I'm just trying to do some serious Spring cleaning of my mind, heart and soul...guess I just need to be more tactful in expressing these thoughts. A poem perhaps?? :)

Anyhow-I think I'll leave my thoughts here for tonight and start fresh again in the morning.

Thanks, friend...

Ya know, since I wrote that post I've been battling on whether or not to take it down-as not to piss anyone off. But, ya know the last post I published was all about how I was tired of holding back and tired of worrying so much about other people's feelings before my own. I think I'll let it stay for now. Thanks SawTooth McGee for a new perspective on things. SAD as it is, I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment.

I'm looking forward to you starting your own on here. If you have time to read mine and comment on them, you have time to start your own! Let me know when you get it up and going.

Thanks, friend.

A little bout how I've been feeling....

If I could explain what's in my head with one word..it'd probably be chaos. So much has happened in the past few months that I'm having a really hard time balancing everything out again emotionally.
There were people in my life who I trusted with my entire being who let me down in ways that I can never forget and ways that affect me each and everyday. It's hard for me to forget about it, when some of their choices-and the fact that I trusted them has landed me where I am today.

I can't blame everything on them, and that's not what I'm trying to do. I take responsibility in trusting them and not having a back-up plan.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to make some leaps and bounds. I've always been the type of person who likes stability and doesn't like change. I've always felt the need to stay where it's comfortable and safe. I don't think that's working out to well for me anymore, and I'm ready now to try some new avenues in my life.

One can only be broken down so far, before they stand up and say FUCK THIS..I'm not going to lay down and take it. I want a happier life. I want to be like I used to be. Self worth is something that left a long time ago, and over the years hasn't really ever returned. I know who I am, and like who I am..but there's always a better, shinny version of ourselves-and that's who it is I want to bring back.

It's been a very long time since I've been genuinely happy, and it's something I feel I deserve. My son deserves the shinny, happier version of me too. I want to be the best I can be for him.

I'm at the place in my life where I could let everything take me under, or be empowered and use all the pain that I've felt as fuel to push ahead for a better life. I believe I'll take the latter. I've never been one to give up and my father always called me a survivor. That I certainly am.

I'm not a victim, I don't go through anything that's any more important than anyone else, and I don't hurt any differently than anyone else. We all just deal with it different ways. Each day I can feel myself getting stronger and that hunger getting bigger and bigger!
It's a good feeling, and no matter who tries to stand in my way or bring me down, or remind me of how hard it's going to be to get where I need to be-I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up, and I'm not going to let PETTY BULLSHIT stop me from achieving my goals.

Too many times, people see you being happy, or happier than they are in their lives and they can't stand it. They have to say or do something to bring you down or remind you of your faults-to try and make themselves feel better-----ya know what I think of that? Get a fuckin life! Grow up and find a hobby.

I'm not really happy with who or where I am at the moment, but I don't bad mouth other people or talk shit to make myself feel better about where I am or who I am!
People like that are so transparent! They're always people who haven't taken the time to get to know you, yet KNOW EVERYTHING about EVERYONE...it's so obvious that they are unhappy in their own lives, yet they aren't SMART ENOUGH to see how their words and actions are coming across to other people.

I don't know anyone who respects people like this-but what's so sad is they don't respect themselves enough to do anything positive-it's all negative!! You feel so much better when you pass out compliments, or use your words to build people up. One simple compliment to someone could change their day all together and show them support they may not get otherwise. Not to mention, the personal payoff you get by doing something NICE instead of being hateful and nasty. It's not APPEALING, and everyone comes to expect it from you when that's all you ever give out. WHY would you want that kind of tag attached to your name?
Oh lord, anyhow----

I am setting goals and filtering people out of my life that DON'T make my life better, but cause me more problems. I'm tired of biting my tongue. I'm tired of keeping it all in and letting it smother me to the point that it affects me and I lose focus on what's important to me.

If you don't bring something positive to my life, you won't be a part of my life. I'd rather have no friends or family in my life than have people in my life that bring me down, or keep inflicting pain on me with no regard for anyone other than themselves. I'm sick of chasing people who don't want to be a part of my life. I'm tired of putting my heart on the line and it getting broken over and over again. I didn't think that there was enough of my heart left to break, but I was wrong. I care too much about other people. Not so much what they think, but how they feel-what's going on in their lives-and it's never returned. No one seems to give a shit about how I feel or how their actions, words, whatever will affect me. They can just do what they want, say what they want and know that Haley will take it and eventually get over it and forgive them.

I forgive almost automatically, but I never forget. I would rather smile and try to forget it than stay angry and have there be awkwardness whenever I have to be around someone who's hurt me. It's never something that is spoken about. Something will happen, and a few weeks or so later-days maybe, that person will come back around me and it's as nothing has even happened. That's so disrespectful. That tells me that the feelings that I have were never in question, never even an element in our relationship-because if they ever were, you'd have the decency to talk to me and see where I stood emotionally.
That's what sets me apart from these people I'm talking about. I DO care about their feelings and I do take their feelings into consideration before I open my mouth or make a decision that could affect them. I don't ever want anyone to be able to say that I was thoughtless, or disrespectful in any way. I treat people with kindness and respect, and have always been empathetic. I've just begun to realize it was with people who didn't and don't appreciate that quality in a person, so no longer will I let their feelings and emotions override my own.

Letting off some steam--aka--BITCH SESSION #1.

DRAMA FREE, I WANNA BE!!!
I used to be the type of person who would just say whatever came to mind, without thinking first. I changed that many years ago, and ever since-I've just made it a point to try to live my life drama free. If someone says something I don't like or I don't agree with-I let it soak in, but don't respond. I don't add my 2 cents or engage in something that could possibly grow into some uncontrollable monster. I want no part in any of that.
What's upsetting is those people who are full of DRAMA want me to be too. They may say this or that to me to try to get a response or a rise out of me. I just don't respond at all. I guess you live and learn, but I don't see how GROWN men and women are OK with creating DRAMA and keeping it going as some of the people I know do. They're proud of it too! Will tell you quickly that they talk about people behind their backs and that they love to talk. WHY? For what? What do you gain out of talking about people behind their backs? Does it really make you feel better about yourself? That's what they say about people who do that kind of thing ya know, that they do it because they're insecure and can belittle others, therefore building their own ego up.
I know that's what I've always heard--have these people never heard that before? I would be embarrassed to be one of those people who talks about people behind their backs or starts rumors. I wouldn't want anyone to know that my ego was so small that I needed to do that to feel better about myself.
I really thought that as you got older, feeling the need to talk about people behind their backs was something that you grew out of. I guess not for some people. But, does that mean that they've stayed at that mental age? In some, if not most cases-yes they have. They haven't gotten any older mentally and the same things that gave them a payoff then, still do!
As far as I know, I'm not being talked about behind my back-but even if I am I really could care less. I'm more upset at the fact that there are people out there doing this still when they're 20, 30 years old or older. Get over yourself!

I have a lot more on my mind..going to get the Dukester and then returning to begin a new post. Bitch session today has just begun. I'm hoping to get it out of my system and let it rest here instead of inside my heart and mind.

Some random thoughts....

So, the whole reason I started a MySpace page was to start a blog. Over the years, and as blogging has become more popular I've thought creating one would be something very beneficial to my own mental health. Up until now, the time it takes to create and keep up with one just hasn't been there. Now, however, I've realized that the time that I could have used to spit out some of my thoughts were filled up with worry and anxiety.

My life right now is full of both worry and anxiety-and what I don't want is for this blog to become a huge Charlie Brown cloud that will hover over not only my head, but anyone that reads it. Those of you who know me, or have talked to me at all over the past 6 months or so knows how complex and negative my life has been. Those of you who haven't spoken to me within these past few months, may read these blogs and think-damn, this woman is SO DEPRESSED!

Depressed, I am not. Heavy-headed, I am. I really haven't had any outlet to get my thoughts out, so I'm hoping this will be therapeutic-and hopefully not a big fat boo-hoo, poor me, my life sucks type of thing. That's not how I feel, and I am very optimistic that things will change, they've already begun to.

So, with reading these blogs I plan on creating, keep in mind my intention and reason for writing them to begin with.

I will be filling them with not only my feelings, but opinions on things as well. I am so sick and tired of NOT being able to speak my mind and not being able to say whatever I think about something or to someone without being warned in advance that I might piss someone off. Those who remember the "old Haley" know that I said what was on my mind-and apologized later if necessary. I miss her. She really never did that much damage by being opinionated and sharing her thoughts on things. I think she may make a come back.

Enjoy the posts--and let me know what you think!
~h~