A little bout how I've been feeling....

If I could explain what's in my head with one word..it'd probably be chaos. So much has happened in the past few months that I'm having a really hard time balancing everything out again emotionally.
There were people in my life who I trusted with my entire being who let me down in ways that I can never forget and ways that affect me each and everyday. It's hard for me to forget about it, when some of their choices-and the fact that I trusted them has landed me where I am today.

I can't blame everything on them, and that's not what I'm trying to do. I take responsibility in trusting them and not having a back-up plan.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to make some leaps and bounds. I've always been the type of person who likes stability and doesn't like change. I've always felt the need to stay where it's comfortable and safe. I don't think that's working out to well for me anymore, and I'm ready now to try some new avenues in my life.

One can only be broken down so far, before they stand up and say FUCK THIS..I'm not going to lay down and take it. I want a happier life. I want to be like I used to be. Self worth is something that left a long time ago, and over the years hasn't really ever returned. I know who I am, and like who I am..but there's always a better, shinny version of ourselves-and that's who it is I want to bring back.

It's been a very long time since I've been genuinely happy, and it's something I feel I deserve. My son deserves the shinny, happier version of me too. I want to be the best I can be for him.

I'm at the place in my life where I could let everything take me under, or be empowered and use all the pain that I've felt as fuel to push ahead for a better life. I believe I'll take the latter. I've never been one to give up and my father always called me a survivor. That I certainly am.

I'm not a victim, I don't go through anything that's any more important than anyone else, and I don't hurt any differently than anyone else. We all just deal with it different ways. Each day I can feel myself getting stronger and that hunger getting bigger and bigger!
It's a good feeling, and no matter who tries to stand in my way or bring me down, or remind me of how hard it's going to be to get where I need to be-I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up, and I'm not going to let PETTY BULLSHIT stop me from achieving my goals.

Too many times, people see you being happy, or happier than they are in their lives and they can't stand it. They have to say or do something to bring you down or remind you of your faults-to try and make themselves feel better-----ya know what I think of that? Get a fuckin life! Grow up and find a hobby.

I'm not really happy with who or where I am at the moment, but I don't bad mouth other people or talk shit to make myself feel better about where I am or who I am!
People like that are so transparent! They're always people who haven't taken the time to get to know you, yet KNOW EVERYTHING about EVERYONE...it's so obvious that they are unhappy in their own lives, yet they aren't SMART ENOUGH to see how their words and actions are coming across to other people.

I don't know anyone who respects people like this-but what's so sad is they don't respect themselves enough to do anything positive-it's all negative!! You feel so much better when you pass out compliments, or use your words to build people up. One simple compliment to someone could change their day all together and show them support they may not get otherwise. Not to mention, the personal payoff you get by doing something NICE instead of being hateful and nasty. It's not APPEALING, and everyone comes to expect it from you when that's all you ever give out. WHY would you want that kind of tag attached to your name?
Oh lord, anyhow----

I am setting goals and filtering people out of my life that DON'T make my life better, but cause me more problems. I'm tired of biting my tongue. I'm tired of keeping it all in and letting it smother me to the point that it affects me and I lose focus on what's important to me.

If you don't bring something positive to my life, you won't be a part of my life. I'd rather have no friends or family in my life than have people in my life that bring me down, or keep inflicting pain on me with no regard for anyone other than themselves. I'm sick of chasing people who don't want to be a part of my life. I'm tired of putting my heart on the line and it getting broken over and over again. I didn't think that there was enough of my heart left to break, but I was wrong. I care too much about other people. Not so much what they think, but how they feel-what's going on in their lives-and it's never returned. No one seems to give a shit about how I feel or how their actions, words, whatever will affect me. They can just do what they want, say what they want and know that Haley will take it and eventually get over it and forgive them.

I forgive almost automatically, but I never forget. I would rather smile and try to forget it than stay angry and have there be awkwardness whenever I have to be around someone who's hurt me. It's never something that is spoken about. Something will happen, and a few weeks or so later-days maybe, that person will come back around me and it's as nothing has even happened. That's so disrespectful. That tells me that the feelings that I have were never in question, never even an element in our relationship-because if they ever were, you'd have the decency to talk to me and see where I stood emotionally.
That's what sets me apart from these people I'm talking about. I DO care about their feelings and I do take their feelings into consideration before I open my mouth or make a decision that could affect them. I don't ever want anyone to be able to say that I was thoughtless, or disrespectful in any way. I treat people with kindness and respect, and have always been empathetic. I've just begun to realize it was with people who didn't and don't appreciate that quality in a person, so no longer will I let their feelings and emotions override my own.