Randomness from a jumbled mind..

So I’m driving down the road-coming home from school and each day I do this it’s almost like doom and gloom. You see the faces of people in cars, and walking into stores and they all have this look of worry and anxiousness. This world is different from the one I remember. Is it all in my head, and what I make of it? Are these people looking this way to me because it’s the way I feel-and not really how THEY feel?

Stone Temple Pilots blares on the radio-acoustic, and that’s the world I remember. I try to go back to that time-where I was happy, where life seemed like something that could be conquered and that I’d be on top of things-always.

Lately-I feel like I’ve lost who I am. I’m not who I once was-which has some good aspects to it. I’ve learned, and grown, and know better now-ya know..but in other ways..I’m miles from myself. I feel like I’ve lost all control over my life. It’s so hard for me to keep going. It seems like this world is all about keeping up with the Jones’s. It didn’t used to be that way. You used to be able to go out and get a job if you were willing to work-anyone could. You can’t do that now.

It’s all about competition and who’s got what. You aren’t this if you don’t have that-that’s bullshit! It shouldn’t be that way. It’s human nature to want the best-but some realize that the best is out of reach no matter how hard they try. What are you gaining when you do achieve “the best”?
Notariety amongst your peers? So the fuck what? Who cares?

I really don’t give a shit what people think of me, cause the majority of them don’t know a thing about me. They’re the ones shooting for the top-but for what reason? I just want to be happy, and right now it feels like that is so far off.

I’m not very religious-in the fact that I don’t go to church regularly or any of that—but I do pray-many times throughout the day, and I do have my own beliefs. I’m a Gnostic Christian-and it works for me. I don’t push my beliefs on others and Gnostics will tell you-take what you want/need from what they teach and leave the rest behind. You don’t have to believe every word or agree with everything-take what applies to your life and leave the rest behind.

So now, things are much different. No one seems happy. No one seems like they have any hope left. Everyone I see in passing-no smiles-no happiness. That’s why I’m wondering if it’s all in my head. If I’m seeing these things through this clouded vision I have based on the way I’m feeling.

I don’t have an outlet. I don’t talk to anyone about how I feel. It just stays inside of me and I have this constant knot in my stomach that never goes away. I’m defensive by nature-and have learned when to bite my tongue.

I want my life back. I want to have drive and feel like I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. I just don’t know the next step. I don’t know how to get there. My mind is over flowing with thoughts and I can’t seem to think clearly. My mind goes from one stress to another. Weed-eating in my life feels necessary, but unable to reach right now. My hands are tied in so many ways-and I can’t break free on my own. Not now.

What would make me happy? Would having an outlet-such as this really clear some things out of my mind so I’ll be able to handle the other things?

Till next time…