Randomness from a jumbled mind..

So I’m driving down the road-coming home from school and each day I do this it’s almost like doom and gloom. You see the faces of people in cars, and walking into stores and they all have this look of worry and anxiousness. This world is different from the one I remember. Is it all in my head, and what I make of it? Are these people looking this way to me because it’s the way I feel-and not really how THEY feel?

Stone Temple Pilots blares on the radio-acoustic, and that’s the world I remember. I try to go back to that time-where I was happy, where life seemed like something that could be conquered and that I’d be on top of things-always.

Lately-I feel like I’ve lost who I am. I’m not who I once was-which has some good aspects to it. I’ve learned, and grown, and know better now-ya know..but in other ways..I’m miles from myself. I feel like I’ve lost all control over my life. It’s so hard for me to keep going. It seems like this world is all about keeping up with the Jones’s. It didn’t used to be that way. You used to be able to go out and get a job if you were willing to work-anyone could. You can’t do that now.

It’s all about competition and who’s got what. You aren’t this if you don’t have that-that’s bullshit! It shouldn’t be that way. It’s human nature to want the best-but some realize that the best is out of reach no matter how hard they try. What are you gaining when you do achieve “the best”?
Notariety amongst your peers? So the fuck what? Who cares?

I really don’t give a shit what people think of me, cause the majority of them don’t know a thing about me. They’re the ones shooting for the top-but for what reason? I just want to be happy, and right now it feels like that is so far off.

I’m not very religious-in the fact that I don’t go to church regularly or any of that—but I do pray-many times throughout the day, and I do have my own beliefs. I’m a Gnostic Christian-and it works for me. I don’t push my beliefs on others and Gnostics will tell you-take what you want/need from what they teach and leave the rest behind. You don’t have to believe every word or agree with everything-take what applies to your life and leave the rest behind.

So now, things are much different. No one seems happy. No one seems like they have any hope left. Everyone I see in passing-no smiles-no happiness. That’s why I’m wondering if it’s all in my head. If I’m seeing these things through this clouded vision I have based on the way I’m feeling.

I don’t have an outlet. I don’t talk to anyone about how I feel. It just stays inside of me and I have this constant knot in my stomach that never goes away. I’m defensive by nature-and have learned when to bite my tongue.

I want my life back. I want to have drive and feel like I’ve accomplished what I set out to do. I just don’t know the next step. I don’t know how to get there. My mind is over flowing with thoughts and I can’t seem to think clearly. My mind goes from one stress to another. Weed-eating in my life feels necessary, but unable to reach right now. My hands are tied in so many ways-and I can’t break free on my own. Not now.

What would make me happy? Would having an outlet-such as this really clear some things out of my mind so I’ll be able to handle the other things?

Till next time…

Quick update

Well, the time has come. Kaleb and Scott and I are going to be staying with Scott's parents, and his daughter Abbi (15yrs old)-in a 2 bdrm house! One bath by the way!! This is going to be insane, and hopefully temporary. Disability can't come soon enough! This was a last resort. I've tried finding help from so many places-with nothing turning up. My sister Kelly was supposed to have moved in with me in the home I was renting (in my name) when Dad died. She backed out on me 2 weeks before Christmas! Here I am, with my son and no where to live! I can't work because of the claim, and I trusted my sister to do what she said she would do. I have been let down so many times in my life, but this one was a major hit. Know what's even more impressive? Kelly won't talk to me. She ignores me when she sees me, and our son's go to the same school. She won't return any messages I've sent to her and has switched up her friends list on myspace to where all of her boyfriend's family are above me on her Top Friends. Maybe this shouldn't matter to me, but it's the little things I guess that piss me off. That's something she knew I'd see and she knew it would be a slap in the face-so whatever! I got the point, and I'm over it. She's the one who shit on me, not me on her-and I should be the one not accepting messages and ignoring her. I forgive way to easily. Forget-that's a different story, but I forgive too easily and it always bites me in the ass.
I don't have Internet access at Scott's parent's house-but will be getting it added onto the cable package soon, so for now, I'll be blogging on Word 2007, saving to a flash drive and uploading while at school. That is if I can find time with the move and all to get some of these thoughts that are rotting my brain out.
Blah.
So sick of shit and being shitted on. I pray that this will open up new doors for me. I feel like I can't breathe all of the time. I mean, all of the time! My anxiety is through the roof and I am completely overwhelmed.
Till next time--pray for us.
H

Ok, so it's down...

I guess me expressing myself has once again been shown to not be the answer. Drama is NOT what it is I'm looking for. I am however, looking for inner peace and to get other's perspectives. Maybe I'm just not as advanced as some with their emotions. I'm ok with saying that. It's been a long time since I took any time to look within myself and really get a good idea of who I am. There's been many things that have kept me from finding out-but really, it's just me being afraid of who or what I may find there.

I feel like sometimes it's easier to not deal with it at all and keep going, but then it ends up numbing to the point where I shut down and am not able to express any feeling at all. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone other than myself, but it is what it is.

It's kind of a survival instinct like those who've had something tragic happen in their lives....they file it away in the "unmentionables" section of their hearts and minds..there it can stay and not be thought about or dealt with...and it comes out at the oddest times, and in the oddest ways.

I'm just trying to do some serious Spring cleaning of my mind, heart and soul...guess I just need to be more tactful in expressing these thoughts. A poem perhaps?? :)

Anyhow-I think I'll leave my thoughts here for tonight and start fresh again in the morning.

Thanks, friend...

Ya know, since I wrote that post I've been battling on whether or not to take it down-as not to piss anyone off. But, ya know the last post I published was all about how I was tired of holding back and tired of worrying so much about other people's feelings before my own. I think I'll let it stay for now. Thanks SawTooth McGee for a new perspective on things. SAD as it is, I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment.

I'm looking forward to you starting your own on here. If you have time to read mine and comment on them, you have time to start your own! Let me know when you get it up and going.

Thanks, friend.

A little bout how I've been feeling....

If I could explain what's in my head with one word..it'd probably be chaos. So much has happened in the past few months that I'm having a really hard time balancing everything out again emotionally.
There were people in my life who I trusted with my entire being who let me down in ways that I can never forget and ways that affect me each and everyday. It's hard for me to forget about it, when some of their choices-and the fact that I trusted them has landed me where I am today.

I can't blame everything on them, and that's not what I'm trying to do. I take responsibility in trusting them and not having a back-up plan.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to make some leaps and bounds. I've always been the type of person who likes stability and doesn't like change. I've always felt the need to stay where it's comfortable and safe. I don't think that's working out to well for me anymore, and I'm ready now to try some new avenues in my life.

One can only be broken down so far, before they stand up and say FUCK THIS..I'm not going to lay down and take it. I want a happier life. I want to be like I used to be. Self worth is something that left a long time ago, and over the years hasn't really ever returned. I know who I am, and like who I am..but there's always a better, shinny version of ourselves-and that's who it is I want to bring back.

It's been a very long time since I've been genuinely happy, and it's something I feel I deserve. My son deserves the shinny, happier version of me too. I want to be the best I can be for him.

I'm at the place in my life where I could let everything take me under, or be empowered and use all the pain that I've felt as fuel to push ahead for a better life. I believe I'll take the latter. I've never been one to give up and my father always called me a survivor. That I certainly am.

I'm not a victim, I don't go through anything that's any more important than anyone else, and I don't hurt any differently than anyone else. We all just deal with it different ways. Each day I can feel myself getting stronger and that hunger getting bigger and bigger!
It's a good feeling, and no matter who tries to stand in my way or bring me down, or remind me of how hard it's going to be to get where I need to be-I'm not quitting. I'm not giving up, and I'm not going to let PETTY BULLSHIT stop me from achieving my goals.

Too many times, people see you being happy, or happier than they are in their lives and they can't stand it. They have to say or do something to bring you down or remind you of your faults-to try and make themselves feel better-----ya know what I think of that? Get a fuckin life! Grow up and find a hobby.

I'm not really happy with who or where I am at the moment, but I don't bad mouth other people or talk shit to make myself feel better about where I am or who I am!
People like that are so transparent! They're always people who haven't taken the time to get to know you, yet KNOW EVERYTHING about EVERYONE...it's so obvious that they are unhappy in their own lives, yet they aren't SMART ENOUGH to see how their words and actions are coming across to other people.

I don't know anyone who respects people like this-but what's so sad is they don't respect themselves enough to do anything positive-it's all negative!! You feel so much better when you pass out compliments, or use your words to build people up. One simple compliment to someone could change their day all together and show them support they may not get otherwise. Not to mention, the personal payoff you get by doing something NICE instead of being hateful and nasty. It's not APPEALING, and everyone comes to expect it from you when that's all you ever give out. WHY would you want that kind of tag attached to your name?
Oh lord, anyhow----

I am setting goals and filtering people out of my life that DON'T make my life better, but cause me more problems. I'm tired of biting my tongue. I'm tired of keeping it all in and letting it smother me to the point that it affects me and I lose focus on what's important to me.

If you don't bring something positive to my life, you won't be a part of my life. I'd rather have no friends or family in my life than have people in my life that bring me down, or keep inflicting pain on me with no regard for anyone other than themselves. I'm sick of chasing people who don't want to be a part of my life. I'm tired of putting my heart on the line and it getting broken over and over again. I didn't think that there was enough of my heart left to break, but I was wrong. I care too much about other people. Not so much what they think, but how they feel-what's going on in their lives-and it's never returned. No one seems to give a shit about how I feel or how their actions, words, whatever will affect me. They can just do what they want, say what they want and know that Haley will take it and eventually get over it and forgive them.

I forgive almost automatically, but I never forget. I would rather smile and try to forget it than stay angry and have there be awkwardness whenever I have to be around someone who's hurt me. It's never something that is spoken about. Something will happen, and a few weeks or so later-days maybe, that person will come back around me and it's as nothing has even happened. That's so disrespectful. That tells me that the feelings that I have were never in question, never even an element in our relationship-because if they ever were, you'd have the decency to talk to me and see where I stood emotionally.
That's what sets me apart from these people I'm talking about. I DO care about their feelings and I do take their feelings into consideration before I open my mouth or make a decision that could affect them. I don't ever want anyone to be able to say that I was thoughtless, or disrespectful in any way. I treat people with kindness and respect, and have always been empathetic. I've just begun to realize it was with people who didn't and don't appreciate that quality in a person, so no longer will I let their feelings and emotions override my own.

Letting off some steam--aka--BITCH SESSION #1.

DRAMA FREE, I WANNA BE!!!
I used to be the type of person who would just say whatever came to mind, without thinking first. I changed that many years ago, and ever since-I've just made it a point to try to live my life drama free. If someone says something I don't like or I don't agree with-I let it soak in, but don't respond. I don't add my 2 cents or engage in something that could possibly grow into some uncontrollable monster. I want no part in any of that.
What's upsetting is those people who are full of DRAMA want me to be too. They may say this or that to me to try to get a response or a rise out of me. I just don't respond at all. I guess you live and learn, but I don't see how GROWN men and women are OK with creating DRAMA and keeping it going as some of the people I know do. They're proud of it too! Will tell you quickly that they talk about people behind their backs and that they love to talk. WHY? For what? What do you gain out of talking about people behind their backs? Does it really make you feel better about yourself? That's what they say about people who do that kind of thing ya know, that they do it because they're insecure and can belittle others, therefore building their own ego up.
I know that's what I've always heard--have these people never heard that before? I would be embarrassed to be one of those people who talks about people behind their backs or starts rumors. I wouldn't want anyone to know that my ego was so small that I needed to do that to feel better about myself.
I really thought that as you got older, feeling the need to talk about people behind their backs was something that you grew out of. I guess not for some people. But, does that mean that they've stayed at that mental age? In some, if not most cases-yes they have. They haven't gotten any older mentally and the same things that gave them a payoff then, still do!
As far as I know, I'm not being talked about behind my back-but even if I am I really could care less. I'm more upset at the fact that there are people out there doing this still when they're 20, 30 years old or older. Get over yourself!

I have a lot more on my mind..going to get the Dukester and then returning to begin a new post. Bitch session today has just begun. I'm hoping to get it out of my system and let it rest here instead of inside my heart and mind.

Some random thoughts....

So, the whole reason I started a MySpace page was to start a blog. Over the years, and as blogging has become more popular I've thought creating one would be something very beneficial to my own mental health. Up until now, the time it takes to create and keep up with one just hasn't been there. Now, however, I've realized that the time that I could have used to spit out some of my thoughts were filled up with worry and anxiety.

My life right now is full of both worry and anxiety-and what I don't want is for this blog to become a huge Charlie Brown cloud that will hover over not only my head, but anyone that reads it. Those of you who know me, or have talked to me at all over the past 6 months or so knows how complex and negative my life has been. Those of you who haven't spoken to me within these past few months, may read these blogs and think-damn, this woman is SO DEPRESSED!

Depressed, I am not. Heavy-headed, I am. I really haven't had any outlet to get my thoughts out, so I'm hoping this will be therapeutic-and hopefully not a big fat boo-hoo, poor me, my life sucks type of thing. That's not how I feel, and I am very optimistic that things will change, they've already begun to.

So, with reading these blogs I plan on creating, keep in mind my intention and reason for writing them to begin with.

I will be filling them with not only my feelings, but opinions on things as well. I am so sick and tired of NOT being able to speak my mind and not being able to say whatever I think about something or to someone without being warned in advance that I might piss someone off. Those who remember the "old Haley" know that I said what was on my mind-and apologized later if necessary. I miss her. She really never did that much damage by being opinionated and sharing her thoughts on things. I think she may make a come back.

Enjoy the posts--and let me know what you think!
~h~