Kaleb's Convo last night..

Last night, Kaleb came up to me balling saying "Mom, I had a bad thought"...just crying his little eyes out. So I asked him what was wrong, what it was that he was thinking that was making him cry like that. He told me he had thought about dying and it made him sad. He was afraid that because he had thought about dying that he would die, as a result!!!!

Wow-how hard it was not to start crying right there with him. So, I sat him on my lap and told him that we would all die one day, but no time soon. That we were too young to die and that we had a lot of living left to do.

He asked me if doing certain things, saying certain things, or thinking certain things would make you die. He even asked me if wearing certain things would make you die..He told me he remembered me screaming when grandpa died and me pumping grandpa's chest. (I didn't think he saw that-) Tears started to fall immediately.

How do you explain death to a 5 year old? I told him no, that those kinds of things would not make you die. That some people are sick, that grandpa had a bad heart, but that we would be old when we died..that he would grow up, and have children-then grandchildren of his own.

I thought I had been doing some pretty good evaluating of my self, my life...until he came up to me crying saying this to me. A 5 year old should never be troubled with something like that.
It made all the petty things I've been pondering on fall away-put me in check instantly.

I have a lot of living to do. I have lost a lot of time.

So, here is an update on where I am in my life right now...and what all I have going on in my heart and in my head....

I feel extremely anxious right now..as if my life is headed toward a climax. Like the break that I've been waiting for is right around the corner. I've felt this for a few weeks now which is exciting.

Taking this summer off from school and everything else was really the break that I think my soul needed to regroup, cocoon itself, and start healing.

I have had no time really to stop and really evaluate everything that's happened in the last year or so..and slowing down to do so has brought light to things I didn't want to see, but also given me leverage to press forward.

It's all up to me now and I cannot express how scared I am.

To blog or not to blog...that is the question...

So, I just re-read the blog that I started earlier in the year, and really how completely open I have been on here with my thoughts. At times, I seem very vulnerable, hurt, and unsure-the next moment I seem totally aware and strong. I never meant for this blog to seem as dark and depressing as it has come off to me. I only meant to open up the door that has been sealed shut over the past few years. One thing though, that I've realized about myself through this whole "writing process" is that I only seem to write down my thoughts as I am unhappy, scared, or mad. I guess people don't have a lot to say when they are happy-maybe it's just been so long since I've been happy that only the bad things have risen to the surface...

I guess, more or less-I have been evolving, changing and peeling off layers of a shell that took years to develop and strengthen--not by choice, but by survival and protection.

Today, almost 6 months after I decided to start this blog-I am in a much more knowledgeable position in my life. That is, I am more aware of how the things that have happened as of late were meant to challenge me and how the have effected me.

I guess when I started this, I could have made it a once a day-type of blog to let off some steam, or sharing HAPPY thoughts about things that happened that day...but honestly, I haven't had a day like that in quite a long time.

Sometimes, I look back and see how much I have gone through and how beat down I actually was, and I am very proud to have not completely lost my shit in the process.

A friend of mine, sent me the best comment a few months ago...something along the lines of-"..if you take just one thing that is going on in Haley's life right now it would be difficult to handle and to go through--but she has several things thrown at her all at once right now and I don't know anyone else that is strong enough to handle it all. That if you don't know Haley, it would be a privilege in your life to try to get to know her.."

That made me feel so good. That someone did see everything that was thrown at me all at once and to know that someone had faith in me being able to see through it all, take the burdens and grow from it all, very comforting.

Today, I am happier. I do have hope, and I do see good things in my future. I was able to accomplish a lot this last year..with growing and strengthening being a major part of that.

It's not that I am that negative of a person, I really am not. I am a realist, and I can only base decisions on what's right in front of me.

So, as I continue to spill my thoughts onto this digital diary of mine-whomsoever's path this may cross-just let me say that it is as vulnerable, honest and open as I can possibly be.

I won't hold back, no matter how I feel-happy, sad-angry, whatever....just know that it's me--from the bottom of my heart and mind.

Too many people these days are delusional and put on a mask for others. I, personally--don't own any. Those that know me, know that I am real and that as complex as things are that they can count on getting the raw truth from me.

What you see, is what I am. Take it or leave it-

Lock Box

Inside my lock box are things I hold dear
things you cannot comprehend
that hold me tight when I'm consumed with fear

Hard to explain-you see, cause you cannot see them
I cannot tell you what they are
You don't understand how they can mend

My heart when it is broken, wipe my tears when they fall
of all the things I've lost in life,
This would hurt the worst of all

If I were to wake up one day
and find the contents gone,
I don't know how I could ever play

It off like nothing was wrong
I swear I feel its all I have
Only the contents inside come along

Wherever I go, whatever I do-I know I will always have
that place in my heart where the lock box resides
If I were to lose it, you couldn't even use "sad"

To describe my heart- consumed with pain
under a sheet of broken memories
Tears fall like rain

The darkness would engulf me
the sun would be no more
And I'd crawl back in my hole where no one could see

What was once hope in my eyes
that sparkled and glistened and smiled at the thought
of being loved unconditionally without all the ties

That hold me back now and stop me from finding my own
happiness that I know is out there for me
If only they could tell just how much my heart has grown

Then they would know the pain I would feel
if I were to lose it all
I dare you to try-see if you can steal

What I hold dear to my heart
that which you cannot touch-I cannot lose this you see,
My entire world would fall apart

The Perch

My safe, warm cocoon is no more
I sit alone as they slam the door

I hear the crash and start to cry
It echos in my mind and I can no longer standby

I feel myself falling and it feels like rebirth
No longer will I let the crows sit on their perch

They've watched me now for far too long
Skreeching their words and calling it song

And I've listened to them, hung on every word
They thought I was listening, thought that I heard

All their stories of loving me, knowing what's best for me
In reality they plotted-but I believed them & couldn't see

The truth of who they are and what motives they had
I know now, the truth, and really just how sad

They are in their lives and want to bring me along
Sitting on their perch, always singing their song.

Stuff and Things...that have been on my mind as of late...

Where to start?

I guess I'll just start off with what's been going on in my head lately..
It seems as of late--more and more frequently, people are showing me their true colors. In the past 2 weeks or so, I have found things out about people that I really THOUGHT I knew. Things that you can't take back or try to forget. Things that resonate in your mind and replay everyday. When you find something out about someone that changes your perspective of them and is not anything like you thought they were, how do you keep going as if nothing has happened? How do you deal with that person everyday and look them in the eyes and see nothing?

It's really made me take a step back and look at my own life. Having people around me that aren't who I thought they were has defiantly made me do some personal inventory on my own feelings, morals, and values.

I have done so much thinking lately about myself and how I got to this point. How much pain I have gone through in the last few years and who I am today because of it.

The things that I've seen in the past 2 years, the feelings I've been forced to feel instead of chosen to feel--these things have broken me down. I have turned inside out almost--and now, when I wake up--it takes me hours to really get a grip on my reality.

These things have changed me. Some for the better, some for worse. I've learned to protect myself with walls, chains, locks--I've learned to not let anyone in anymore. I've learned to really check myself with what I allow to leave my mouth. Some things I keep to myself-but those that knew me 10 years ago can't recognise me now.

They want to know what happened to that outspoken bitch that just didn't give a fuck. She spoke her mind-and said what she felt.

Yeah, she's still there, and starting to come back out. I'm SO SICK of being censored by people around me. I'm SO SICK of not being able to say this or that cause it's gonna piss someone off. I'm SO SICK of having to get it dished out to me but not be able to say how I feel back to them...for what? Am I supposed to just let it build up? I'm SO SICK of people thinking that cause I'm non-confrontational that they can say whatever they want to me and me just take it. Physical pain only hurts for so long. Bruises heal-cuts heal..I can take an ass beating, and if that's what it has to come to in order for me to defend myself and speak my mind--then so be it.

I am SO SICK of people who use their size to intimidate people. They use the line "I'm just a bitch" to defend everything they say and do. Well, ya know what? That's not good enough for me. Just cause you're a bitch doesn't give you the right to say whatever the hell you want to say and then beef up like a GD linebacker on me. So what? You're a bitch...so am I.

I am just a SMART bitch, that knows WHEN to load up the ammo, and knows how to use it. I don't just flap off at the mouth-that makes you look SO STUPID.

So many times, the IGNORANCE is shown when they act like this. I'm supposed to be quiet and keep the peace..right? At what cost? At what point do I stop being who I was-who I am? And for what? To look like a fuckin beat child as I walk back to my room biting my tongue--no!

I am just so sick of stupid shit. I am so sick of ignorant people. I am so sick of people who think they know what's best for ME. I am so sick of people who think their way is the only way. I am so sick of people who if they really took a look at their own life would see that maybe they shouldn't be throwing stones. I am so sick of the fact that they can't see what they are. That are totally delusional, and if they took the time to look in the mirror they'd see that they are no better than I am. They'd see that MAYBE all their hating of me is jealousy. MAYBE they wish they were me. I don't know why anyone would want to be me.

I have a very sad life right now and have for a long time...all that however is about to change.

See, this self-evaluation I've been doing lately has been so refreshing. It's not something that will happen over night. Hell, I didn't get to this place over night--but I do know one thing...

I'm gonna make ME happy. I have put others before myself to the extent that I have lost who I am. I have lost my sense of what makes me happy. I have lost where I'm going, but my God, to I know where I've been.

That's just it-I've made many a mistake in my time on this earth...but none that I have repeated--so don't judge me. If you think you know why I am where I am in my life right now, you probably have no idea. I can't even count on one hand people that are close enough to me to know where I am in my life right now. No one takes the time to get to know me. My heart is so big and that's been my problem all along. I let people in, and let them get close and end up paying for it in the end. I leave myself too vulnerable, and get hurt.

I have closed myself off-and begun my rebirth process. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I have lost myself along the way.

I have cried so many tears in the last few years--watching mom die in ICU, finding Daddy, waking up alone, realizing who people close to me really are, realizing that I'm nothing to them, realizing that they put themselves 1st and I didn't--therefore, I am the loser.

These days, have strengthened me. They have made me solid as a rock. They have shaped me, molded me...and with all this loss everywhere around me, for the 1st time in my life, I feel like it wasn't all for nothing. I've realized how to utilize this pain. I've realized how to filter the bullshit...chose my battles..and let the rest fall to the wayside.

My life is an illusion. My life has spiraled out of control since Daddy died and he left. My life slipped through my fingers in a matter of hours. I have accomplished a lot-but no one can see that. I know how much I've grown, but it's not yet time for that to all shine...I will have my day and it will be soon.

I will get this life back on track...and people will see that it wasn't all for nothing. People will see that this reserved, quiet chick that doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot has had things going on all along. I'm setting myself up, and it will all be for me this time. For me and for my son. He is my world and I want to give him all I can as a mother. It's going to be just on me. No man to help me, no man to carry me through, no man to hold me up when I fall. Just me--and that's where I must start.

I want to know in my own heart that I'm doing it-that I am HAPPY. Happiness has been something so far out of reach since Daddy died and everyone started to show their true colors...people latched on to me for all the wrong reasons. People came around me for all the wrong reasons--for reasons of their own, not for me. People looked out for their selves, didn't have my best interest at heart. People failed me, hurt me, and let me down. People that I thought I knew-I'd never known at all. I cannot express the level of pain that comes from that. I cannot express how alone that makes you feel...thus, makes you turn inward and evaluate your own life. Evaluate who you are, what you stand for, what you want in life, and what you're getting done in life.

I'm just beginning this journey of rebirth-but, I must tell you...I don't feel good about who it may hurt in the process--if it does, it does. I have been the one getting hurt this whole time and no one has stopped to hold my hand or wipe my tears...they just keep going with their noses in the air and don't even look back to see if I'm still there.

I'm not like them, that's not who I am..but, WHO I AM....everyone is about to know. I'm not holding back anymore. I'm not going to shield my opinions. It's MY TIME, and it's time for me to get this done. I won't come in last anymore, I will-prevail...and I will be HAPPY. Me and my son.

Those that care to know me, start asking questions...
Those that care to know me, show me the real you-no bullshit.

Will I let you in? It's hard to say. I believe from here on out I am going to be much more selective about who I let in and how close I let people get to me.

I'm sick of the ulterior motives...is anyone, AT ALL real anymore?

I know I am.

Do you know me? Do you care?