This and that...

So it's been a while since I've written anything and I hate that! I was really wanting to use this for myself really...to just kind of wash out some of the things in my head. Sometimes, for me anyhow, I am able to see things from a different perspective once it's right out in front of me-and other times I just need a simple release. This is kind of the case today.
If you know anything about me at all, you know that my life has not been a simple one. Yes, it's always worse somewhere else, I know that-and I don't want any sympathy from saying that-it's just I feel I deserve a break, a bone...something POSITIVE to happen in my life. It seems like my life started to become a sequence of bad events that started the ball rolling-and it hasn't come to a stop yet. Now, I know-"what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger"...true enough, but damn I should look like a MMA fighter inside at this point.
I have learned a lot over the years, especially the last few, so I have no regrets, I am just ready to start a new life, with better choices.
I am a very passionate person. I love hard, I hate hard, I work hard and play hard. If I know you-I either like you or don't give a shit about you-there's no in between with me. You are in one of the two categories.
What I've found over the years, [[which I'm sure a lot of you can relate to]] is letting people "in" and trusting them, only to be let down or completely shit on for that matter.
See-I think most people begin at 0% trust when they meet someone and build that up to 100% as they get to know them better and what not. Being the person that I am-I do the opposite...and I'm not sure why...I guess I just want to see the GOOD in people so I start at 100% and as I get to know you, it may go down...or hit rock bottom at zero. The thing is this--I know better.
I have learned to put that guard up-trust no one. To me, that is so sad-because I am a trustworthy person and people who know me can attest to that-but I think it sucks that I have to be on guard constantly with people-it makes me NOT want to get close to anyone-which of course is a very lonely existence.
So why is it that I allow myself to let people in at all? Why to I still bang my head up against that wall when I know the result? Why do I think it's ever going to change on it's on? I have to make some moves--some decisions in my life.
I feel like I'm at this crossroads of sorts in my life right now, trying to decide which way to go...but the whole time feeling really impatient. I feel like I've been really patient, and I'm ready for some good things to start happening in my life. I just cannot keep taking these blows!!
I am a STRONG woman...and I know that...but you can only grit your teeth and smile for so long before you either loose your shit completely and go mad or break down in some type of clinical depression. This is something I don't want to happen to me...and something that I am well aware of.
When I was 18 years old, I was clinically diagnosed as a Manic-Depressive...which simply means that once I reach a certain point in/with my depression, I can't find the "light" or "the way out" so I become hopeless and even suicidal. Now, that's something that I dealt with way back then, and hasn't resurfaced in the last ten years-even though my life has been MUCH more difficult than I ever could imagine at the age of 18..I have learned to SWIM...to keep my head above water..and keep pushing through it...to get to the other side...the other side never seems to have that Sun that I'm after though...it's just more of a maze full of cloud and shadow.
I have always been really afraid of getting to that point again in my life where I really wanted to die. It's something I can honestly say that has crossed my mind a few times over the years..but I know I can't leave my son-so it's not an option. I wouldn't miss one day with him if I could control that-so, suicide--to me, just can't happen.
Even so-the thoughts come over me a lot more than I would like to admit. I really have to get back to what makes me happy again. I have forgotten what made me laugh, what I enjoyed seeing, doing..I forgot what was such an interest to me...I forgot...me.
I left her behind about 8 years ago..and tucked her away. I went into this shell of an existence ...I never left the house...wasn't allowed to work...lost all my friends...phone and car taken away from me...slowly...total control...and in that time...I seriously lost who I was. I remember bits and pieces of my life before this point..but my life became such a void for so long..that nothing made me happy, although I didn't cry often, I NEVER laughed.
I feel like I am just at the dawn of my life as an adult and I want to make some decisions in my life that don't benefit others, damn it...but benefit me instead! I have ALWAYS put others before myself-I was just raised that way..but in the process, I didn't pay attention to my own needs as a growing adult...and neglected my own life for so long...that I am just now trying to get back to where I left off.
There are days when I look around--and think...is all the pain worth it? Will it pay off for me one day?
Having chronic pain doesn't help anything either. I CONSTANTLY hurt-and it gets worse depending on the level of physicality that I'm using at any given time...I push myself too hard sometimes and end up paying for it either hours later, the next day-but mainly it's AS I'm moving....it just makes me feel like giving up some days cause I know how much worse it's going to get--and really...what kind of a life is that? I know things could be worse-but I HATE that I am always hurting....
I think all in all...I am really trying to get back to the core of who I am. I don't know what direction to take until I can really process what's going to make me happy...take the life lessons that I've learned and from that try to build a road map...So there's my "mind flow"/RAMBLE for right now. It's been a long time since I've written anything at all..and I have a lot more on my mind that needs to be let off-so stay tuned..